Finding Peace with Conflict: 5 steps to encourage healthy workplace disagreements
You need to have conflicts with your colleagues. There! We said it. We’ve been told since we were kids that walking away from a fight means that you’re being the bigger person. As professional adults, not only does the thought of a workplace blow-out sound like it could be the demise of a career, we haven’t even been properly given the tools to manage conflicts in a healthy way. But think of the alternative. What if we avoid conflicts? Well, then the conflict will be suppressed for the moment and manifest itself in every way you interact with that colleague. You will feel like your relationship is just never the same; in fact, it slowly fades over time. If you value your relationships with your colleagues then, yes, you need to have conflicts with them.
To create a thriving work environment, that means that we have to build relationships with people with varying personalities, work ethics, cultural differences, etc. To manage these work relationships, we can feel like it means that we always have to get along, and conflict can feel like it might damage these relationships. Let’s be honest, it is unreasonable to think that we will always agree with our colleagues or never experience the brunt of someone’s bad day. Spend a moment thinking about why we get frustrated or heated. What it signals is that your foundation, values and beliefs are shaken. It doesn’t mean that you’re a difficult colleague. It means that you are bringing your full self into your work, you believe in your work and you are being authentic. First of all, never lose that authenticity just to avoid conflicts. Rather than hiding from your colleagues to avoid a workplace argument, use these 5 steps to face a conflict and approach it in a healthy and productive way.
Act swiftly and state your intentions. Take the time to cool down. Or even better, try to notice or be aware of your state-of-mind before you take any further action. None of us can think or act clearly when we are overwhelmed by our emotions. Step away from the situation and simply notice that you are angry, anxious, frustrated, etc. And just stay there, noticing. When you’re feeling more centered, set up a follow-up meeting to raise the issue with the person you’re in conflict with. It can be as simple as saying you’ve been thinking about your conversation and have some follow-up thoughts and concerns. The most important point is to avoid surprises and let your colleague know why you are asking for this conversation. You know why you are calling for this meeting - it is because your relationship with your colleague is important to you. So state your intention and make your intention a shared outcome for you both.
Clear is kind. You want to get to the bottom of the issue, right? The only way to do that is to be as clear as possible on the issue causing tension, how the tension affected your values and beliefs, and what you hope to achieve by having this conversation. Here is an unconventional advice, be absolutely clear that you are looking for inputs on how you should approach the situation differently. Pointing your fingers outwards demanding behaviour change from your colleague rarely creates long-lasting change. The only thing you are in full control of is your attitude and behaviours. State your issues and be clear that you are asking for inputs on how you can be your best self. Make the assumption that your colleagues are smart and mature people. Most likely they will also make suggestions on how they should change their behaviours. In the chance that they aren’t receptive to your approach, simply ask them “what can you do to help me in this situation?”
Everyone experiences the same event differently. When you meet, go in with the mindset that you only have your own experience to start with. What’s even more wacky is that our experience was the result of the facts (what happened) muddied by the voices in our heads (what we say to ourselves about what happened). Yes, talk about how you experienced the situation but also ask about how your colleague experienced the situation too. When you do this, we promise you there will be an element of disbelief because the voices in our heads have a funny way of distorting the facts, for all of us. When you come to this moment, you will realize that you both are right in feeling the way you do, and you can focus on a resolution.
Active listening is still king. You’ve probably heard this a million times, but it still holds true. Active listening is a special skill, one that doesn’t always come easy when you’re focused on convincing someone of your point of view. Active listening is hearing the other person and feeling what they are saying. It is recognizing the voices in your head and paying them no mind. Pay attention to your non-verbal communication. Keep an open body, maintain eye contact and show them that you’re invested in their perspective by paraphrasing key points that they mentioned. Lastly, do a self-check; do you still have space in your heart? All you have control over are your choices and your actions. Is there something you can do for your colleague?
Aim for mutual understanding. A solution is the best outcome possible, we need to realize that arriving at a solution in itself is not fully within your control. Don’t pressure yourself and your colleague to have a solution. If you aim for a mutual understanding of one another, you’ve guaranteed that the issue has deescalated and you have achieved your long-term priorities which is to protect the relationship you have with your colleague. You now know there’s willingness to work to solve the issue together. The solution may take repeating steps 2-5 again, but you know your relationship is preserved (or even enhanced through the real talk!).
It’s unrealistic to think that we won’t clash with our colleagues at some point. It’s human instinct for our fight or flight to kick in, especially when it can feel like a personal attack on our values and integrity. However, rather than choosing to flight to avoid a workplace blow-out, choose the route of addressing the issue head on early. Engaging in a healthy conflict allows you to protect what is important to you, focus on what you have control over, and foster stronger relationships, and passionate conversation.